You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERSWe don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERS