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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

Joan Rivers

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS

Couple Freedom Marriage Time Yourself
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS

Body Memories Myself Women
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERS

Angry Comedy Yourself
If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERS

Fashion Military Ugly Yourself
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS

Process Worry
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS

Myself Oneself Thankful
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny God Himself
Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERS

Forever Life Myself
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS

Death Food Funny Greatness Myself
Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS

Better One Liner Sex
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERS

Better Grief Myself
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Hairs Myself See Time
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERS

Fun Right Yourself
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Myself Open Opportunity Smart

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

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Popular Authors

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Joan Rivers Quotes