You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERSI finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS