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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Joan Rivers

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS

Bed Country God Limitation Sky Thankful
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERS

Choice Law Wife Woman
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS

Husband Love Myself Pain Sex Tough Wild
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Himself Husband Love Myself
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERS

Negative Perspective Thinking Train
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERS

Defeat Herself Myself Win
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS

Advice Myself Race Run Yourself
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS

Acceptance Funny Luck Old Oneself
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Children Easy Respect Yourself
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS

Black Friendship Himself Myself Possible Race
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Myself Room
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Hairs Myself See Time
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Man Mistake Woman
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS

Dog Funny Study Young

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

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Popular Authors

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