I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSI finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS -
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERS