You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERSIf God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS






