I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERSI told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS -
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS -
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS -
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS -
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS -
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERS -
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS -
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS -
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS -
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS -
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS