Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERSI told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS