I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS