When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERS