Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS