Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERSI succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS






