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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Thankful Yourself
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Fashion Myself Respect Woman
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS

Hard Time Remember Revenge Survive
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS

Couple Freedom Marriage Time Yourself
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERS

Daughter Down And Mother
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Myself Room
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS

Hell Holy Water
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Myself
I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Loose Money Myself
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Hairs Myself See Time
Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Happiness Money Pay Yourself
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS

Forget Herself Movie Remember Role
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERS

Enjoyment Philosophy Yourself

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

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