I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSShe doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS






