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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Conscience Law Myself Universe
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS

Amusement Job Myself Park Ride Seat Terrify
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive People Silence Tough
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Children Job Money Replacement Rise Yourself
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPS

Generosity Hate Myself Return
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPS

Body Corpse Myself Often
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS

Forever Myself Mystery Reminder
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS

Freedom Medicine Money Myself Stand
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS

Black Hands Myself Purpose Wife
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS

Excitement Myself Parents Protection Road Street
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS

Calm Electricity Myself Work
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS

Carpet Game Man Oneself

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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