My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSI got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
-
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPS -
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS -
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS -
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS -
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPS -
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS -
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPS -
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS