Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPSI got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS