I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPSI lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS