“There’s life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.”

I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.

Friends come and go but I wouldn’t have thought you’d be one of them.

Don’t feel bad when I die; I’ve been dead for a long time.

I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.

Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, can be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.

It was written without fear and without research.

This is me apologizing. I am a fool, a bird-brain, a liar and a horse-thief. I wouldn’t touch a superlative again with an umbrella.

What ever beauty may be it has for its basis order and for its essence unity Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Said after she had been seriously ill: The doctors were very brave about it.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

Whenever I’m sick, my doctor jokes that I have Beiber Fever!

I enjoy it when it’s over! I enjoy whatever success we have. If an audience finds it funny, then it’s been worth it.

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

50% of all married people are women.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.