“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.”

When you’ve got something really good, you don’t have to force it on people. They will steal it!

I never thought I’d see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we were in Mississippi.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Did you know that in New Orleans they still have brown bag parties? What’s that, you ask? You and I go to a party, and when we get to the door, there’s a brown bag hanging down from the ceiling, and if our skin is darker than the brown bag, we can’t go in.

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

There’s a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

It’s cool to be healthy.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes – those are conditions brought about by lifestyle. If you change the lifestyle, those conditions will leave.

You know, I always say white is not a color, white is an attitude, and if you haven’t got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don’t need, you can’t be white.

I’m not a comic. I’m a humorist.

When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete’s feet don’t exist, there’s something wrong.

Home was a place to be only when all other places were closed.

There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up.

I can fight with all actors, I can face them and win, but I cannot fight aliens.

I’d love to romance Aishwarya Rai. But I’m 58 now. So I have to play her father.

Yoga may look peaceful and calming, but even Arnold Schwarzenegger would have trouble breathing after twenty surya namaskars in a row.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

The world’s most funniest and easiest thing is to give an advice.

We made a plan at school to meet in her garage and kiss. It was like this little business deal. I kissed her and then I ran home

If I loved a guy as much as I love my dog, the guy would be in serious trouble because I’m all over that dog, all of the time.

Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his death bed, ‘Gee, if I’d only spent more time at the office.’