“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.”

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it.

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.

Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read yourself.

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.

Imagination is the beginning of creation.

Doing what needs to be done may not make you happy, but it will make you great.

A man of my spiritual intensity does not eat corpses.

Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality of happiness, and by no means a necessity of life.

You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.

To be in hell is to drift; to be in heaven is to steer.

The problem with this country is that you meet your soulmate after getting married.

If more government is the answer, then it was a really stupid question.

I m having kids so that one can be a billionaire and imma steal all there shit.

Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed’ is the title of the book.

Why is it when you’re dieting, you crave everything?

I’m a funny person, but I take my music seriously.

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly.

Do not tell jokes that ain’t funny.