Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you’re the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
BOB SAGETI become a chameleon for wherever I am.
More Bob Saget Quotes
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My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that’s how he dealt with my mom.
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At the end of the day it’s the end of the day.
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I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn’t a hard ‘r’ cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one – she’s 12, but very sophisticated so it’s an unusual case.
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They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?
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What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?
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My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
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I’m a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
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You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.
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Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.
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My haircutter figured out I whine less if I’m under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven’t given me a Brazilian wax.
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I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, ‘Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.’ It literally was a drive-by.
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I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don’t want to make fun of people.
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If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
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It’s 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It’s enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren’t there that are alive.
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I’m completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
BOB SAGET