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I’m completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

Bob Saget

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.
BOB SAGET

Choices Done Procrastination
Nobody can tell me what I can or can’t do, except they can.
BOB SAGET

Except Nobody People
I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them
BOB SAGET

Boys Car Country Years
Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.
BOB SAGET

Fool Men Wise
People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.
BOB SAGET

Each Other Feed People
No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.
BOB SAGET

Bus Driver Drivers
It’s smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
BOB SAGET

Smart Teacher Yoga
My mom just told me it’s impossible to know what’s going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
BOB SAGET

Breakfast Causes Mom
I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.
BOB SAGET

Care Except People Take
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby’s behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
BOB SAGET

Baby Feet Pedicures
The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously – accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you’re basically working in front of them during what could’ve been specifically ‘quality time.’
BOB SAGET

Hands Selfish Trying
At the end of the day it’s the end of the day.
BOB SAGET

Day End Over Time
I’d like a nice piece of salmon that’s not too pink inside and yet isn’t too dry or crisp either.
BOB SAGET

Nice Pieces Salmon
I don’t feel like I’m with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother’s gripe, too. And she was right. And you’re also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
BOB SAGET

Case Feel Level Mother Something
I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
BOB SAGET

Comedy Morning Thinking
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you’re the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
BOB SAGET

Enjoy Masturbation Public
I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they’re really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I’m not laughing.
BOB SAGET

Hurt Laughing People
It’s a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is – reading the news or speaking to people.
BOB SAGET

Day New People Reading
What I’ve learned about comedy people is that they’re defined by the harshest level they’ve been to, their personal Auschwitz.
BOB SAGET

Comedy Levels People
And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You’d be nervous too if you knew that one day you’d get your head cut off and… filled with stuffing.
BOB SAGET

Bird Country Cutting People
If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
BOB SAGET

Car Die Kids Saving Want
If you’re hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
BOB SAGET

Hanging Negative People Two
Everyone I love I pay.
BOB SAGET

Everyone Love Pay
The nature of comedy is ‘just do it.’ But I think what’s interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it’s just saying what’s wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
BOB SAGET

Comedy Interesting Thinking
The secret to raising children is to love them… And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
BOB SAGET

Children Secret Way
My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
BOB SAGET

Diapers Saint Wife
Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.
BOB SAGET

Behind Every Great Man Men Prison

I’m completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

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I’m completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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