I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
BILLY CONNOLLYI once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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