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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

Billy Connolly

I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Circuit Different Hecklers Syllable Tickets
I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Desert Drawing Islands Middle Page
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arses Channel People Rooms Search
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
BILLY CONNOLLY

Baby Delivery Funny Humor Paddy Probably
I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Angel Believe Marijuana Suppose Wings
I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arses Laughing Pose Say Years
Try to live in a place you like.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Like Place Trying
It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Change Mind Often Reserve
I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Found People Scared
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Patronishing Region Weather
I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Huge Love Simply Thinking You
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Sexy
Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Anywhere Caverns Funny Humor Out Seen Tacks
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Children Nice Wife
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Between People Body Country Crosses Malfunction

When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

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Popular Authors

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