A fart is just your arse applauding.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe more you know the less the better.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
BILLY CONNOLLY