Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLYAs soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
A fart is just your arse applauding.
BILLY CONNOLLY







