Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
BILLY CONNOLLYTry to live in a place you like.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
BILLY CONNOLLY