If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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