A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
BILLY CONNOLLYI have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
BILLY CONNOLLY