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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

Billy Connolly

Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Election Political Vote
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Sexy
Try to live in a place you like.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Like Place Trying
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Balanced Drink Hands Wells
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Gently Looks Sideway Tread
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Christianity Different Religion Thing
Don’t work out, work in.
BILLY CONNOLLY

never Out Work
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Crosses Malfunction
I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Dog Doors Independent Stuff
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Catholic Guilt Levels
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Become Changing Clothes Life Successful
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Air School
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Between People Body Country Crosses Malfunction
There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
BILLY CONNOLLY

People Records Thinking Years
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Days Reinvents Two
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
BILLY CONNOLLY

Fire Forests Tree

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

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Popular Authors

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