Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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