My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLYSo, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
BILLY CONNOLLY