I don’t aim to offend.
BILLY CONNOLLYSo, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
BILLY CONNOLLY