Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
BILLY CONNOLLYIt seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLY