A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLYKilling a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY