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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.

Billy Connolly

I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Art Doodle People Speak Two
The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Coffee Forehead Lunch Somebody Talking Zombie
For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Animal Desire Winning
When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Accident Alright Funny Humor Thanks
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Jesus
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Advice Buckets Kitchen Utensils
When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Acting Hell Real
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Department Parent Pet Zoos
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Christianity Different Religion Thing
Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Baby Bastard Purpose
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Dolls People Sex Suppose
I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arses Channel People Rooms Search
I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Found People Scared
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Documentaries Glasses Hate People
If you give people a chance, they shine.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Giving People Shining

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.

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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.

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