If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
BILLY CONNOLLYScotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
BILLY CONNOLLY