Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
BILL MAHERThe answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
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One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
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Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!
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The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
BILL MAHER