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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

Bill Maher

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
BILL MAHER

Himself Name Obvious
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
BILL MAHER

Certain Ideas People Problem
Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
BILL MAHER

Children Law Message People Right Straight
To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
BILL MAHER

Appearance Courage Coward Stupidity
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
BILL MAHER

Generosity Help Liberal Myself
Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
BILL MAHER

Better Care People
We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
BILL MAHER

Fun Joke Religion
The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
BILL MAHER

Friendship Ideas Lover Man Treat Woman Yourself
During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
BILL MAHER

Book Coffee Company Depression Fight History People Reading Time Tough
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
BILL MAHER

God Man Myself Need Religion
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
BILL MAHER

Original Social Media Time
Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
BILL MAHER

Break Home Right Shoot Trade Yourself
The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.
BILL MAHER

Death Fact Kind Live Man Plain Religion
Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.
BILL MAHER

Atheist Definition Idiot Position Religion Sex
I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
BILL MAHER

Death Move Myself Suicide Traffic
I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
BILL MAHER

Feeling Myself Shoes Stand Wear

Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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