Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
BILL MAHERThey’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
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What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
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The “Power of One” is a slogan–not a goal.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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Death is nature’s way of killing you.
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths.
BILL MAHER