The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHERThey’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
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What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
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I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
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Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
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Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.
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The “Power of One” is a slogan–not a goal.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
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I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.
BILL MAHER