Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.
BILL HICKSI’ve learned a lot about women. I think I’ve learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we’ll never age.
More Bill Hicks Quotes
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So, it’s good to be here, wherever I am.
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The role of the comedian is to say ‘Wait a minute’ when a consensus starts to form.
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Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.
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Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens.
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I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .
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I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.
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You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
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Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.
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I go to dance clubs…about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going ‘God, what idiots!’
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I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.
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You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”. Yeah, looks like He rushed it
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People always snap and think they’re Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they’re Buddha?
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Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
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I’d…bet enthusiasm for ‘ethnic cleansing’ will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.
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Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you’ve chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You’re dead too.
BILL HICKS






