“The role of the comedian is to say ‘Wait a minute’ when a consensus starts to form.”

Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?

Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts…Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

You want a better world…? Legalize pot right now. …end the deficit? Legalize pot right now…biggest cash crop in America.

It’s an insane world, and I’m proud to be a part of it.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day.” Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

I can’t believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

At least he f-kin’ jams! If it’s a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the f-kin’ Block … I’m gonna be surfin’ on the lake of fire, rockin’ out.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh, well… we looked at the receipts.”

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you’ll find in this world.

If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added ’em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

I know that it’s probably not a good idea for a comedian, especially a satirist, to support a public policy group or a politician.

I’ve been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you’re under pressure.

My dad loved comedians, especially George Jessel, and he loved Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett.

I was not one of those people who wanted to be a comedian when I was growing up. I liked comedy, but didn’t know it was something you could do for a living.

Performers like Tommy Cooper

If you like standup and decide that it’s overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.

I’m a comedian, not a politician.