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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

Bill Engvall

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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

BILL ENGVALL

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Humans Instruction
Bill Engvall
BILL ENGVALL

Buddies Check Coming Line
Bill Engvall
BILL ENGVALL

Damage Hundred Number One Responsible
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

BILL ENGVALL

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL

Older
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL

Audience Feelings Looks
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Uncles
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
BILL ENGVALL

Golf
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALL

Condom Rubber
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALL

Moving
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
BILL ENGVALL

Baseball Jesus
I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL

Gas Lasts Sides Stations
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

BILL ENGVALL

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Handling Six Week
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
BILL ENGVALL

Jumping
As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
BILL ENGVALL

Rooms
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALL

Kids Magnifying Mom

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

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