God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
BILL ENGVALLI called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
-
-
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
BILL ENGVALL -
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL -
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL -
As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
BILL ENGVALL -
I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL -
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALL -
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL -
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALL -
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
BILL ENGVALL -
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALL -
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL -
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL -
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL -
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALL -
I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
BILL ENGVALL