I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALLI called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
BILL ENGVALL -
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL