“I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.”

The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

If I’m the champion, the whole UFC division should be ashamed of themselves for a guy that had no damn skills being the champion. They should all just go relocate somewhere.

My speaking style was criticised by no less an authority than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a low moment, my friends, to have my rhetorical skills denounced by a monosyllabic Austrian cyborg.

I’m ready to test my skills with the best fighters.

Chang Tzu tells us of a persevering man who after three laborious years mastered the art of dragon-slaying. For the rest of his days, he had not a single opportunity to test his skills.

The life of man is like a game with dice; if you don’t get the throw you want, you must show your skill in making the best of the throw you get.

Divine nature gave us fields, human skill built our cities.

Most plagiarists, like the drone, have neither taste to select, industry to acquire, nor skill to improve, but impudently pilfer the honey ready prepared, from the hive.

All the ills of mankind, all the tragic misfortunes that fill the history books, all the political blunders, all the failures of the great leaders have arisen merely from a lack of skill at dancing.