“I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.”

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.

I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’

The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.

My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.

The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

Things derive their being and nature by mutual dependence and are nothing in themselves.

If I were to write anything at all, it would turn out to be nothing but talk about movies. In other words, take ‘myself,’ subtract ‘movies,’ and the result is ‘zero.’

In my family, there were Kei and Minoru and then there were the rest. Everyone in my family is very opinionated and everyone tried to join the debate. But by the time my turn came, there was nothing left to say.

They often reveal much about themselves in a very straightforward way. I am certain that I did. There is nothing that says more about its creator than the work itself.

There is nothing that says more about its creator than the work itself.

You’re the perfect girl’, he said, rubbing his chin. ‘You expect nothing.

And nothing fuels a good flirtation Like need and anger and desperation No, the moth don’t care if the flame is real.

Actors are physical, olympian storytellers and we should be able to create entire landscapes with nothing.