When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALLI believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
BILL ENGVALL