“Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.”

So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I asked these Indians: “Do men ever make Chicha?” My question was met with gales of laughter. The women howled. Bent over in hilarity, one replied, “Men can’t brew. Chicha made by men would only make gas in the belly.

A major change is afoot as we combine both WPZ and Access into the large scale natural gas infrastructure MLP. And the team here at WPZ is very energized right now.

I’m stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump.

Arab leaders worry more about making money from the profits they get from oil and gas that they turn the other way when Lebanon is being destroyed right next to them.

If we are not committed to saving this earth we will be buying designer air filters and gas masks.

When you have more than 10 cars you can’t remember what side the gas tank on.

If I relaxed, if I took my foot off the gas, I would probably die.

Life will put many red lights in front of you, but sometimes we must push on the gas and trust god.