I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALLLast time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL