I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALLWhen the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL