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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.

Bill Engvall

Related Topics

DayDiedGodGreat

Popular Authors

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More Bill Engvall Quotes

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  This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.

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  Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

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  He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

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• 

  I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

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• 

  The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

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• 

  I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’

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• 

  My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!

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• 

  You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

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• 

  I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

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• 

  To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

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• 

  I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.

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• 

  And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.

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• 

  I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”

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• 

  I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.

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• 

  Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

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• 

  The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

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• 

  God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

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  Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.

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  I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’

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• 

  So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

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• 

  I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

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• 

  When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

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• 

  A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.

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• 

  I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

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