“I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.”

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.

So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

My dad is a doctor, a professor of psychiatry, and my mum is a psychotherapist.

The clever people at CERN are smashing particles together in the hope that Doctor Who will turn up and tell them to stop

First of all, when you have a doctor who cut the leg to prevent the patient from the gangrene if you have to, we don’t call butcher ; you call him a doctor, and thank you for saving the lives.

…don’t ask me why I know what an Edwardian smoking jacket looks like: let’s just say it has something to do with Doctor Who and leave it at that.

Think of the war against terrorism. In my view, Washington’s approach can be compared to a doctor constantly banging away at a tumor instead of removing it surgically.

What I saw day-to-day is like people who are actually asking for freedom, calling for freedom – protesting, singing, chanting, calling for the removal of the regime – plain and simple.

A wealthy doctor who can help a poor man, and will not without a fee, has less sense of humanity than a poor ruffian, who kills a rich man to supply his necessities.

People have a tendency to cast me more as lawyers and doctors and just rich guys, rich assholes basically, a lot of rich assholes. That’s what I’m normally seen as, you know.