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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

Bill Engvall

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Rooms

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

BILL ENGVALL

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Humans Instruction
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’

BILL ENGVALL

I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Suck
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

BILL ENGVALL

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
BILL ENGVALL

Nothing
Bill Rancic
BILL RANCIC

Certainly Last Sickness Tests Year
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALL

Moving
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
BILL ENGVALL

Discovery Shark
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL

Honey
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL

iPhone
Bob Menendez
BOB MENENDEZ

Diligence Du
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Uncles
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

BILL ENGVALL

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALL

Sharks
Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
BILL ENGVALL
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

BILL ENGVALL

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
BILL ENGVALL

Pieces
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALL

Kids Magnifying Mom
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
BILL ENGVALL

Jumping

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

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