I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALLI hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL