“I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.”

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

We certainly put the ‘in sickness and in health’ vow to the test the last year and half.

I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.

Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.

So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Well, clearly Apple is a role model of the American innovation whereby it produced all these products – iPod, iPhone, iPad – that are really now dominating all the technology arena in the world.

Apple has long been a leading innovator of mobile technology; I myself own an iPhone.

I anticipate that Apple’s fingerprint reader will in fact make iPhone 5S owners more likely to secure their smartphones.

Everyone wants an iPhone, but it would be impossible to design an iPhone in China because it’s not a product; it’s an understanding of human nature.

On a plane or on a train, or whatever, you see people with their headphones and they’re looking at their iPhone or their Galaxy.

More and more people are watching entertainment on their phones.

You can shoot and edit a movie from your iPhone and upload it to YouTube.

After the Apple II was introduced, then came the Commodore and the Tandy TRS-80.