You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALLI believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL -
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
BILL ENGVALL