And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
BILL ENGVALLYou get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALL