My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALLYou can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
BILL ENGVALL