I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALLA truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
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I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
BILL ENGVALL