“A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.”

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.

I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’

The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.

I come from nowhere Brooklyn, New York. Williamsburg, Brooklyn. These days Williamsburg is kind of a hip area, but when I grew up there, the taxi drivers wouldn’t even go over the bridge, it was so dangerous.

First of all my real full name is Lloyd Vernet Bridges III.

I was trying to get into the business from a young age, but I don’t think I really realized how much I loved it until I booked my first movie and found myself in New Zealand for six months filming Bridge to Terabithia.

I wanted to pay homage to working women because they are the bridge that got us over.’ My work is about the people who are assumed not to have a worldview.

I feel like now if you’re going to start a band you have to have an Instagram full of yourself looking a certain way, lined up like five dudes in mugshot alley, hanging out by the bridge or up against the wall, or “We’re in a library for some reason!”

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

Things look different depending on your perspective. As I see it, fighting to bridge those gaps isn’t what really matters. The most important thing is to know them inside and out, as differences, and to understand why certain people are the way they are.

I am always interested in the ways of scoring the sound of the poem, especially a poem with long lines.