black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

Bill Engvall

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL

Dork Fell Hunter Out Tree
Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
BILL ENGVALL

Buddies Check Coming Ground Line Ride
I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL

Gay Hell Sex
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Golf Humor
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL

Bridges Car Hands
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL

Couple Fishing Give Up
I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Heart Men
I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALL

Age Aware Barometric Comic Destiny Pressure
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
BILL ENGVALL

Baseball Dog Funny Jesus Logic
God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Good Made Said
I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
BILL ENGVALL

Change Guy Ladies Thinking Wife
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALL

Condom Rubber Shape
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Girl Humor Remember
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL

Dad Looked Son Yesterday
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
BILL ENGVALL

Baby Followed Funny God Running
I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL

Coffee Eating Funny Mistake
You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL

Gives Mom Stupid Tell
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL

Older People Thinking
I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Drunk One Power
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL

Clouds Flying Needs
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALL

Class God Kids Magnifying Mom Stupid
I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
BILL ENGVALL

Big Boobs Hello Home Nursing Really
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
BILL ENGVALL

Hamburgers Ketchup Shirts
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Honey Humor
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
BILL ENGVALL

Deer House Nice Wall

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Bill Engvall Quotes