Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALLWhen you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALL