I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
BILL ENGVALLOne day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL